It's almost 2015, and we are still a society that depends on Craigslist. For selling our junk, for finding love ... for laughing at people's ridiculousness. It is the corner of the Internet where we find genius ideas and perplexing strangers just a few clicks away from the used furniture we were looking for in the first place.
The site allows its users to nominate posts for an ongoing listing of the "best of" Craigslist. Here, for your pleasure, we round up the "best of" this year's "best of."
14. Home-made diapers for chickens. If "Do you have indoor chickens or ducks?" is a question you find normal, then this business venture is for you. For $9 to $12 each, your chicken's butt can be swaddled in a butterfly-patterned fabric diaper.
13. Hottie-magnet beagle for rent: A Vermont couple went in search of someone to house-sit their puppy Bo in March, hoping to find a person who wants to try out having a dog — or who needs a canine for more romantic purposes.
"We are not kidding; this dog is a hottie MAGNET. Add the sweater and you will literally have to spray yourself with sex-repellent before leaving the house."
12. Calling all buff dudes: A person is moving to Japan. This person is having a going-away party. So, naturally, "I need someone who is MUSCULAR, and is willing to dress in Dragon Ball Z attire for 2-3 hours holding trays of appetizers. Trays shall be held as if you were going to release a massive power attack."
11. A squirrel died so your beer could stay cold: Greetings from Macon, Georgia, where in February this post for a "squirell skin coozie with beer debubbler apparatus" appeared. Your Bud Light can be kept cold by a sweater of squirrel fur, with a tail attached. It seems highly probable that each time you raise your can to drink, the tail will fall to your face, perhaps caressing your cheek. It is "dezined from the highest quality materials," after all. Dezined.
10. Wedding arch — made of books: This is past every level of Pinterest marriage cute. For a wedding ceremony that appears to be at a library, a couple stacked four Rubbermaid bins of books into a metal frame to create an arch of hardcovers to say their vows beneath. What do you do with a book arch when the wedding is over? Craigslist.
9. Missed opportunity for an Elton John joke: Rocket man, meet Rocket Van. This is a large, clunky Ford E350 passenger van. There is a rocket on top of it. The rocket is larger than the van. Description including but not limited to: "SUPER SEXY CHICK MAGNET TOO!" and "SAVE THIS HISTORIC SLED FROM THE SCREAMING FRYING PAN OF SMELTER DEATH."
8. Love in Los Angeles: "I heard a late night kick on my doors and went to look and there you were, passed out drunk after pride festival day1. I went out to investigate and it was like God pulled your mouth open like a Pez dispenser and filled you with Long Island ITs and tequila shots, then dropped you on my porch ... you wouldn't even react when I pulled your hair or poked you with my BBQ prod. If you happen to see this and remember passing out cold on my porch last night, please feel free to message me if you felt something too."
7. Toilet. Bike. Toilet-bike: Guaranteed Craigslist click-bait in British Columbia, this post was titled "Stylish Multi-Functional Bike." It is "multi-functional" because the seat of the bicycle is a white-and-blue toilet. Not just the seat, but the whole bowl. You know, "for carrying groceries."
"Also if you are big on bike touring in a pinch it can be used (as) a literal toilet!"
6. The future is textable rice: This item may look like just a bored man's junky machinery. But if the description is true, it is actually a feat of ingenuity in hunger solutions. You tweet at a robot, and the robot makes you rice.
We hope Pittsburgh is proud to call this Craigslister one if its own.
5. In need of an attentive boyfriend: The post was titled "Mazda rx7." Inside, there was no car, and only this note. "Babe, if you're reading this, please get off your phone and come to bed ... Thanks Xoxo, Your girlfriend who thinks you spend too much time on craigslist"
4. In need of an attentive (fall) boyfriend: This piece of glory made the rounds on the Web for every wonderful reason. "2 smart, funny, attractive girls each looking for a fall boyfriend with chill group of bro friends, now is the time you must start dating someone in order to spend the holidays together/go on ski trips/have a NYE kiss you're stoked on." Posted in September, the girls were gearing up for a season of apple picking, wearing Ray-Bans and half-zips, cooking and "Instagramming dish with captions such as "Fall night with my babe @yourhandle *heart emoji all the fall emojis*"
3. "2010 AVOCADO FOR SALE": Did people click on this post just to see if someone was selling a four-year-old rotten avocado? If so, they were treated to this gem: Craigslist 2014 not only gave us a toilet on wheels, but here we have a car shaped as an avocado on wheels. Once used for making deliveries, this fruit-mobile could be yours for a reasonable price, as the owner wrote: "Want to sell ASAP, need money for 2014 Kiwi."
2. Pregnancy mattress: "I purchased a mattress and cut a hole out of so that my wife could lay on her stomach while she was pregnant ... The mattress is super clean and there isn't anything wrong with it. She isn't pregnant anymore, so, if you come get it, you can have it."
1. In lieu of flowers: Please, please, someone help out this woman, our winner of the most glorious Craigslist post of the year. "This next April, I will be getting married to the man of my dreams and we will be having the most wonderful storybook wedding that Allentown, PA has ever seen ... Traditionally, bridesmaids' hold bouquets; in our wedding, I want them to hold corgis."
She needs six corgis, and if you oblige, you will be paid and rewarded with cake.
Then, please reward us all with photos of the event.